New Fact About Me

Well, during this past year, some things that I had never experienced previously happened.

First off, a boy from our school died.
Sorry for being so blunt, but I kind of want that effect. He fell into the Neva River with another friend, and he drowned while the other survived. We had our memorial service for him, we went to the airport and sent him off, we prayed for his family, we had other moms and women go and comfort his mom, etc.

Secondly, one of our church members went out of business and had to move somewhere else.
The family ran a Chinese restaurant that our church went often, but it simply had a terrible location, and it wasn't the best food (although I really liked it) so it failed in the terrible economy. They sold their restaurant and moved to a different faraway part of Russia.

Lastly, (this might sound stupid to some of you) a singing group disbanded.
The entertainment company and some of the members didn't match in some parts, and the members' relationships got bad. So they just quit. Three of the members just broke off, and the group just disintegrated.

Now, you probably found out what they had in common - they were a loss in my life.

Here's what I learned about myself: I have a terrible time coping with losses in my life.
Previously, I hadn't had any huge losses in my life. Sure both my grandpas passed away too, but I only saw them after my birth, and then when they were dying. Plus, I was too young to really realize what happened to the "old, smelly person" I had just met a couple days before~

Now, the three stated above were a completely different experience~

Ryun Ho, the boy, had just started attending the school like the previous year halfway through, and I didn't have the best feelings towards the Koreans then. Anyway, around a week before school started, as I was going to a friend's house, I got a call from my sister saying that Ryun Ho and other friends were playing when somehow he fell in the water and drowned and was lost. Couple hours later, divers found Ryun Ho's body. The rest was a tiring blur, but even like 8 months after this event, whenever I see the Neva River, I think of Ryun Ho, and at least once or twice a week I still think of Ryun Ho - what I would've done if I were there, what he did, what he thought, etc. He was the first person I had actually lost in my life, and I got kinda crazy (even to the point where I thought he'd come back if we prayed tons) [apparently, that wasn't God's plan] But now I believe that he went to heaven due to various reasons, and that comforts me, but still I get doubts and I still mourn for him often~

This happened like couple weeks ago. We had our "Last Supper" at the restaurant that they ran. They always give us a huge discount, and they make special things not on their menu when we come. Strange but heartwarming thing is that they're Chinese people (it's illegal in China to be Christian I think and it's really rare to see a Chinese Christian) coming to a Korean-Russian Church regularly even though they barely speak any Russian. They had a baby boy like late last year, and during the last meal we had there, we played a lot with him, and as we did, I felt so bad for him and his family. I know what it is to move big time~ I've been doing it my whole life across cities, islands, states, countries, and continents. I just felt really really bad that they were moving away~ I felt really bad, and I kinda was semi-depressed for the rest of the day~ Thinking about it now still makes me sad.

Last, and for some of you most insignificant, one of my favorite singing groups disbanded like three days ago. I hadn't realized how much they were to me when they were still together, but once they split, I genuinely felt bad. Just like depressed..... They were the first group I had ever seen, and they were like the beginning of K-Pop for me. Everyone after them were just singers, but they were different for me. They were like the oldest, ragged doll that everyone has at least once in his or her life. The one that is irreplaceable even when new dolls or toys come~ When they existed I guess I took some stuff for granted, but now that they're gone~ I'm currently going through like all their songs and just listening them over and over again.

Don't know why, but I guess God made me kinda reject loss for a long time~ Just going through these recent experiences made me realize this.